What I Am Afraid To Tell Myself

~ This fear I was going to find something terrible down there is something i push deep and far back into the recesses of my mind.  I feel the need to talk about this but am very careful not to ever reveal anything too damaging about myself or what I've done.  Part of me has always just decided to give up looking, hide and be thankful however bad it gets that its not worse then it already is because you deserve far worse then this and you know it.  If you were ever honest about who you are to anyone they would send you to the butchers and you know it.  They would crucify you with your own approval and you feel this within yourself and have your whole life which is why your afraid to actually admit anything to yourself or anyone else.  Which is why you spend your life living in lies which sometimes you cant even remember.  Hiding, lying, cheating, stealing, grabbing, perverting, hurting, again and again and again and again.  Its who you are your nature.  Its the one thing you know you ultimately deserve and so you give it to yourself again and again and again and again.  Its the cycle you conceived and brought upon yourself ~

~ When I was younger I was told you shouldn't lie because then you have to keep the lie going with another lie and another lie until eventually it no longer makes any kind of sense to anyone anymore and no one really understands whats going on.  This unfortunately is a perfect description of my life as it now stands.  I've been lying so long now about so many things "I" can't even remember what the truth is.  I'm so totally lost and with no one around anymore who could even tell me where it all began.  I've been lying since I can remember mostly I think because I have been ashamed of who I am and where my family came from.  I feel like its something awful that needs to be lied about and so I've always concocted stories to make myself appear the way I think I should be.  I also steal to make up what I think I should by rights have and have always consistently tried to live at a level above where I am or even understand.  Just embarrassed to be alive really... at least as I am.  And I think I'm a girl really I always act and think in the feminine and have always felt really more in tune with femininity then masculinity which I hate and despise like its some kind of illness or something.  I blame men for everything I call them the reason for why the world is in the state its in and its like some disgusting thing I can't get off myself and many people in my life feel the same way about me.  Complimenting my insidious hatred of myself.  I have never been "Manly" or "A Man" in any sense of the word, in fact I'm very girly at heart and in many many different ways.  I know nothing about cars, sports or whatever other ostensibly masculine things I'm supposed to know about.  I like fashion and romance movies, and want sex all the time {well that might be a manly thing} I like art and am soft hearted and not really scary as a man should be.  In fact I'm more scared of women then me.  I act very much like a woman and most normal guys don't understand me the same way they don't understand most normal women.  Most normal guys immediately think I'm gay because of the girly way in which I conduct myself and my adoration of feminine ideas and ideals ~

~ If I was to guess I'd say I was at my peak a female and many ways just can't really grasp how to be anything but in this life.  I behave in my inherently strong feminine way in this life and wherever I do I become more and more grounded into my masculinity or masculine energies.  My body is completely out of whack but this is the thing I don't understand its more in favour of the masculine side, being the right side of the body left brain.  But if I am so feminine shouldn't it be the left side more predominant?  Or maybe thats the point my life is designed to balance out my imbalance within.  So the more feminine I behave the more masculine the energies are in balance of me or rather in order to keep me in balance of who I am.  But the more I behave masculine it has the reverse effect and releases the more feminine sides of myself.  Power in Paradox.  Seems like a backward thing to get the hang of but entirely reflective of the world we are in.  So if I feel like a little girl in a mans body I need to grow up into an older man in a mans body which will release the more feminine energies within to balance out the overwhelming masculinity I have become by behaving feminine ~

~ The masculine energies are more of the grounding energies of the physical world and in the most severe form take on the experience of failures and losses, accidents and injuries in order to keep you undeniably present in the physical.  But what makes a man is not his masculinity as everyone thinks but his deep expression of femininity.  The only thing missing from what is most obviously a man.  But in that act of vulnerability is seen the true essence of what everyone can instantly recognize as a man.  Within it is an act of pure courage and centeredness without is the harmonizing balance of his endlessly hardwired manliness.  Or something like that ~

~ Something always bugged me about when people told me to "Man it Up" or "Be a Man," like I felt insulted in a particular way for a particular reason.  I think because I had discarded my manliness out of hate for it or disgust in it and then felt a cold snap like I had just been slapped across the face with my own stupidity.  As if throwing away something I actually needed, like the world telling me I was wrong in my disgust or distaste with myself.  A common thing in many places in my life.  Like I had it right there but just didn't believe it enough to use it where it needed to be used.  It's like life is saying use this here at this time in this way here it is plain and simple so you cant mess it up very easy to understand in exactly the way I would understand it and I say "no, it wont work" and I go sideways and fall into a serious catastrophe of sorts or many many sorts.  Now I feel like I'm lying about everything in my life and just acting like a little girl when I've done quite manly things I never want to talk about or admit I've done.  I pretend to be one person while flat out lying that I am actually someone else entirely.  I've hidden myself inside a lesser me and have gotten exactly the kind of life that comes with that on all levels.  Not entirely but close enough ~

~ It's like I didn't want to admit who I was so I ended up forcing myself into a life and lifestyle to small for myself and suffered extraordinary pain because of it.  Its like a fear of power of hurting people with it so just dismissing it entirely and letting it poison me in the process.  I swallowed it so to speak as I always do swallow all the poisons of the world in doubt of my own goodness and because of it become bad because there is no where else to go or nothing else to become.  I have in a sense by fearing my ability to hurt others become the hurter I have always feared I'd become.  A fear passed down by my father who misunderstood things in exactly the way that I did.  In fact the only thing that seems to have prevented me from completely going over the edge with this {which I willing would have believe you me} is a kind of purposely built in design flaw to my life or maybe not a design flaw but some kind of minimal safety mechanism I had no idea I had this entire time.  It still allowed me to make all the mistakes I made and experience enormous pains and ups and downs but it seems to have saved me from entirely committing to my own mistakes and misjudgements about life ~

~ Everything I chose in this life all the mistakes I made were mine, I made them by my own choosing because of a number of reasons but undeniably they were mine and its like the purpose of this life was just to show myself the inevitable consequence of how I was choosing to be.  Because as of right now I am like 98% percent still headed in the wrong direction and am pissed I cant get there like yesterday.  And probably at best 2% percent in the right direction which is what keeps me from completely obliterating myself in self-destruction.  I don't believe I did any of it myself, like I had all kinds of help, even design in my life right down to the body type and parents and everything and even with all the encouragement to move into a positive direction I am still fighting hard core for my own annihilation.  What a case am I ~

~ I feel like I've been given an obvious part to play and theres no way around it but into utter pain and annihilation {which I don't want}.  But The part seems so gay like I'll learn some damn lesson and save the day hurray.  So gay.  Like I'm just a pawn, like an actor, so predictable in every way in every way, its obvious the only tricks I got up my sleeve are so old my life already knows them before I can even come up with them.  So what the fuck, this is dumb, this is bullshit.  I'm not playing.  This is just a part in a movie, so dumb.  It's like when you watch a movie and your like "ohh this is the settup and ahh I saw that coming and this and whatever."  I think god is a BAD WRITER and SO VERY CLICHE.  I've probably even seen this story before and know whats going to happen next.  But I guess its still important to play out this fucking retardation of a story to its utterly predictable conclusion ~

tHe De∆∂ ßo∂y ¡N tHe WoO∂s

~ I spent a lot of my life wandering around life in the darkness doing dark deeds getting more and more lost highly negative and depressed.  Upset and angry.  Viciously angry at life in general.  I blamed everyone and everything and felt constantly that I was in a dark pit of hellish despair writhing and wriggling for my life, living a kind of backwards insane hell of a life.  And I just got used to it.  I stopped caring and just started hating and attacking, stealing concealing lying.  My god the kind of lies I've told ~


~ Recently I had a very warped experience where I became convinced I was some kind of a god with unearthly abilities I even went through a period where I was completely convinced I was christ incarnate and everything had everything to do with me in every way on all levels.  Needless to say I think maybe I overstepped my better judgments about things and now can stand back and view myself more honestly and upsettingly as I really am ~


~ I am a coward.  I am a liar.  I cheat, I steal and dance around the most simplistic and obvious path of how to do things in life.  The simplest way is usually the correct one to take.  But I didn't take it in fact I've always looked for the longest and most utterly complicated way of avoiding the correct path because I fear how it will reveal me for who and what I am.  I am a bastard, a no good lying son of a bitch.  What can I say? I wish it wasn't true.  In fact I've wished so hard I've literally created whole lies to convince myself that I'm not who I know I actually am.  I fear death for so many many reasons but mostly because I'm afraid of the worst ~


~ There has been many times in my life where I've come right up to an amazing opportunity to help other people out by telling the truth.  But I always perceived that it would show everyone how I've been lying to them my entire life.  So I ran from it allowed the lie to continue and hurt the people I could have saved or helped.  I have always always covered my own ass at the expense of everyone else around me.  Why?  Its not complicated I just didn't want to face the consequences of my own lies.  I'd have to say this probably the crux of the entire situation we are all in.  I don't want to tell the truth for fear it will get me killed.  In fact because I've chosen the lie to live everyone has become convinced that that is who I am and its not its just the lie I've been living my entire life.  Sometimes I perceived I could help people with the truth but again and again and again I chose me over them.  Why?  Because I could.  And now the lie has gotten so incredibly out of control I can't even imagine telling the truth anymore without having some kind of a personal Armageddon directed at me.  It would be like asking the world to deliver me into a kind of terrorizing hell which is why I've put up with everything I've put up with in my life.  Because no matter how bad it could have possibly been or ever got it was far better then what would have happened if I told the truth ~


~ There are so many many people out there walking around with no idea of what I've done.  Of who I am and I am terrified to come forward with it.  I fear with my whole life what would happen to me if I did.  I'll live as a fugitive or as a bum or whatever and just lie till I die.  But telling the truth to people is like asking for my own death.  People would be so upset with me.  Beyond upset.  I am sure I would be killed or worse so I don't even tell myself what it is I'm lying about.  I know its something really big but I can't even remember what it is.  I just remember that when I perceive it I become so frightened that I immediately bury it deep within me for fear that anyone will see it or know it or whatever.  I've been having this fear for years now as if its just going to come out of me anyways.  Like I wont be able to stop it and I'm so scared about when thats going to happen.  Like I did something really bad a long time ago and it sent me on this journey where everything has been a terrible lie a big mess and I've just been utterly warped by it ~


~ When I perceive my third eye opening I feel that fear like my mind is going to slip and I'll reveal everything because I secretly want to so badly.  I just want this awfulness to be over.  Its like a war I started a long time ago because of a lie or some falsehood I created.  And now god is coming to get me and make me fess up and die an utterly terrible death.  Not a heroes death but a villains death.  Like I'm not supposed to be here, like I feel guilty for even being alive for some reason…


…so this is what I'm going to do: I'm going to hold this conversation with myself until I can perceive what the big thing I'm lying about is and then try to understand it and why I'm so afraid of it.  Its always like this big thing in the back of my mind like some big scary thing buried in the woods I have to go dig up like a dead body or something.  So lets go dig it up ~

met•a•phys•ics

~ I think I'm starting to understand now a little better then I did.  There was a planet I was on a long time ago in a galaxy far away and during that time I was there I did something very wrong and participated in the lifestyle and decisions that corrupted the planet maybe system and created the circumstances of its destruction.  The planet was at a higher vibration then this planet currently exists at and more then likely had exquisite technology and lifestyle because part of my simple issues in this life seem to suggest that things can obviously be a lot simpler and efficient then they are currently being done.  Even in the worst circumstances I've felt that way.  Because I was born into a stable family that was always and ever shall be at a particular financial level, emotional level even kindness level its indicative of the type of person I was in the planetary system I have my earlier lives in and where I learned to be who I now am intuitively.  I have a lot of natural understandings in a great many things and proclivity to authority in some way shape or form, meaning I've lived many lives and had time to occupy many different kinds or work and careers which would inform a general understanding and perspective that unites all things or that all things embody ~

~ Because of my attraction to self-destructive behaviour and attitudes, sexual addiction, paranoia and doing the right thing I'm led to conclude that this is how I learned to behave and exist in other environments in much the same way.  The truth I am aware of on earth in a sense is the truth of who I am at least the most pertinent information.  Law of attraction in this way is always in effect and it was how I found this planet.  I was among those who fought and became violent and destroyed the planet I was born on and because it was a higher vibration planet many of the ideas, the way I like to do things and an inherent goodness I have reflect attitudes that are required in higher vibrations, but the issue was that I chose the negative in those places, just like I did in this one and because of it I have at a higher level created or chose a life that would immediately return my own negativity back to myself and forever give me the opportunity to witness the result of my actions.  This is why I have always purposely tried to hurt myself when I got angry as opposed to others because thats more then likely what I did do in other lives when i had greater ability to do so, and in this life in this incarnation the life I have is directly created for exactly one purpose to necessitate and facilitate the understanding of this and create the circumstances to allow me if I chose to accept and allow the balancing of my own energies and my place in the universe.  Which tells me something, it means that everyone of us on this planet are literally here because in every way we are already.  So we can chose to keep living the negativity this planet affords us to experience as long as we want it or we can let it go in every way at every level if we finally want to ~

~ I have often felt as though I was more inclined to the feminine then masculine and in fact I think I was on whatever planet that was I was on when it self-destructed.  Maybe it was Earth itself, maybe I was a Gray in a parallel reality.  Maybe what it is is a memory from Atlantis' destruction.  I mean these are all guesses based on information I've come across, but one thing is for sure I've definitely brought myself into destructive capacities in this life and I have been doing it almost since I was born.  I have a heavy hand in the materialistic, left brained mentality, in fact my body is completely out of whack and distorted and has been for probably my whole life.  It seems like I have given myself a body and life that would be stable enough to support my need for destruction and destructive tendencies.  Fire is the elemental foundation for life and so is in exact defiance of who I have become a living death.  Its like when I had the chance on another planet with all the information, with all the support, and possibility to act in the positive I chose to annihilate my physical form which did matter because whenever things become close to the level I chose to do this at my initial choice kicks in full stream and it becomes almost automatic, I fall into the groove I carved out in that life.  I think many people on earth have similar stories and in a very real way we are the dirty corner of the universe where all the broken lives have collected in a living planetary mutation ~

~ Everybody here has the choice to continue into negativity and the endless creation of it or to finally let go of it.  In a sense this planet is like a hell planet, where souls who chose utter insanity and self-annihilation came because it was the only appropriate experience for souls who chose what we chose.  Life here is literally like a living hell not for the purpose of hell but for the understanding and recognition of what we have not understood.  We are the ass end of everything, a self-committed insane asylum.  From this perspective there is no need to commit anyone anywhere because your actions and vibration immediately magnetize you to negativity or equilibrate you back into harmony with the universe and everything else everywhere.  But as long as you don't you are magnetically locked to people, places, food, clothing, events, timelines that equal your state of being ~

~ There are no heros on the planet because the vibration is too dense and dangerous for higher level souls to participate in with anything but a distant hand in our affairs.  Its kind of like school your not ever going to get out of it, because you cannot exist at any other level without it, you just have to surrender and accept it, its the only thing to do.  Literally.  You can even freak out and scream madness and try to fuck yourself up but you'll just end up here again and again and again and again because its the truth of things.  When you die you expand back up into a perspective that can see more then your aware of when your down in this perspective and from that perspective this one rules because it is the choice to function with the guidance of a higher perspective.  Without that you on the bottom letting the you on top do its thing you strain ridiculously hard and die in that strain only to rebalance and reorganize and send yourself back down again and again and again until you master that vibration, until you master the nightmare by becoming what you are: A Dream.  We send ourselves to hell it is the way of things, it is the way the entire universe functions in every way on every level.  So literally no one in creation has the ability to prevent your ascension but you.  As you know the devils power is in illusion, deception, tricking you to do the wrong thing and the answer to that problem is simple: tell the truth to everyone, as they say The Truth Shall Set You Free.  It was probably a liar who said that just for it to be relevant for them to even say ~

~ So now I think I'm getting it and I think it means that if I'm right then I will accept it and become it and after that being on Earth is a matter of remastering what I had destroyed so long ago.  Its true you know you save yourself, because you are the only one who has the ability to either way.  Basic principles and fundamentals of the Universe, Metaphysics. ~

This Little Thing

~ Growing up with problems like everyone does you try to manage them, solve them, get rid of them, ignore them, medicate them or eradicate them.  You try and try and try but again and again and again its always this little thing that keeps popping up, sticking out and tripping you up.  Its as if everything would be fine if it wasn't for this One Little Thing that always gets in the way.  Its there in the back of your mind, quiet and out of place, a dissonance you have no choice but to view as a problem, an issue, something very serious that needs to be handled and dealt with.  And you try and you try and you try but it seems to be invincible or something, and the more you pay attention to it the more you realize the insidious nature of it, this funny little glitch inside you that you have to cut yourself out of or remove otherwise its going to thwart your entire existence for all time.  But what is it that I'm talking about?  In truth I can't even really explain it because I don't know what it is, but I know its there, I feel it there in utter defiance of all that is and a total nightmare in this dream I call life.  I know its there and I try to hide it, deny it, ignore it, bury it, lie about it, medicate it, hoping eventually it'll just disappear, hoping it'll just go away and leave me alone, but it doesn't, it won't, it's still there.  I can even completely forget about it not even have thought about it but that never means that I lose it, it never means it goes away.  Its not intrusive but its there, always, a reminder of something we'd rather forget ~

Karma

~ I'm gonna share my opinion about what I think Karma actually is versus the popular opinion about what people think or have been conditioned to believe it is.  And it was because I was watching The Matrix Revolutions the other day and one of the characters in the Train Station said something like "…it is my Karma, I do not resent my Karma… Karma is a word…" And something about the way he said it or maybe something else he said that I can't remember got me thinking about something Bashar said about playing out your life theme and how we build our bodies and lives in a specific way in order to experience a particular Life Theme like Empowerment or whatever.  Now if that was your life theme you can experience Empowerment in an endless amount of settings with any number of people.  You can have your family involved or work it in a larger way in the world at large but one way or another your very survival in life is directly tied into your theme and you designed it that way so that you could not ignore it so that even if you go completely sideways you'll still be three dimensionally involved in this theme.  Even if you change jobs, lovers or friends you will experience the theme and especially the aspects you can't stand or have difficulty with again and again and again like your fears until you face them, until you confront them and master them ~

~ In stories this is the classic Hero's Journey and I think stories are a good medium with which to explore and describe this idea of what exactly Karma is because I think it is exactly the same idea.  If a writer wanted to explore themes of fear and courage or redemption or salvation there are a great many ways to do it.  They could potentially choose an epic format or something far more domestic and casual.  The thematic idea being explored however is the same, say Redemption for example.  If your life theme were redemption then there would need to be something to redeem in the first place and so perhaps you purposely put yourself into a life where there would be a great many pressures, opportunities, influence and upbringing that give you a chance to hurt people, use people, or cause harm to others in some way, but you would build in enough natural awareness in order to bear witness to the negative consequences of your behaviour.  Now within that framework you still are an individual and could potentially right from the get go choose not to ever cause harm to another even with great influence and pressure to do so and still fulfil your life purpose by being an influence yourself of integrity and redemptive capacities and ideas from a young age ~

~ You could however (and most people do) choose to ignore your awareness or personal integrity in favour of fitting it or not jeopardizing the benefits that come with compliance.  In this way you would because of your extra awareness or integrity become the authority in whatever crime you have become complicit in or whatever negative behaviour you have bought into.  This can serve double duty because of your inherent or built in integrity you will be the cutting edge of whatever negativity you have been born into and be consistently at the forefront of this behaviour the rest of your life, along with an intimate understanding of the mind of exactly this kind of person and thus extremely valuable information and insight into the psychology of that particular negativity.  In this way becoming say the head of a crime syndicate or the most brilliant rapist or serial killer you are by your own appointment an authority in this field one way or another and even if in the negative by right you have accepted, inherited, achieved or constructed the ability to end that behaviour and reveal critical information to those who support a dismantling of negative institutions, business or simply the psychology of a particular focus of negativity ~

~ Either way you will because of your circumstances continually have great problems and issues that need solutions and alternative thinking and you will continually be forced to come up with alternatives to negative behaviour in order to remain a positive redemptive influence in your life.   Even succumbing to the negative influences of hate and fear and pain, you can still arrive back with the support of your body, your life, your guides and the rest back at the initial game of being the best example of what it means to redeem yourself and negative behaviour. In a sense this is why Jack from Pirates of the Caribbean can be weird and backwards and still have enough Luck to make it out alive, Its why Two Face has a Giant scar and is still alive at the end of The Dark Knight, he literally is a person caught in duality.  He is us personified into a symbol of what we all are.  But one way or another you will fulfil this path even if it means you will die for your pains and that is the way in which your behaviour or negativity have been redeemed.  You see this all the time people fall on both sides but have exactly the same life theme some become cops others criminals and even within that the lines are not so black and white because a certain kind of criminal might be a defiance to corrupt cops or vice versa and all exist all at the same time ~

~ The Karma then is what keeps you in line with the kind of positive influence you agreed to be when you chose to be born into this life.  This includes specific chance meetings and life changes, biology and what not, things that will help you understand what exactly your point is being here or at least keep you doing what you came here to do and to be it is built in to your life into who you are and in a sense you carry it with you everywhere you go.  You will always be it no matter what.  You can choose to fight it or embrace it and reap all the benefits of your focus while you are here.  Many people have called this destiny or fate and in a sense this is the truth but even though you must wear these clothes you still have the ultimate say in your style and fit.  You can even take the clothes off if you choose.  Karma can also be what people call miracles or guardian angels who mysteriously help you along the way, bring what you perceive as your saving graces in life or your Luck.  You have help, guidance and assistance whether you will ever be consciously aware of it or not it exists and you are benefitting from it all the time.  In a sense its what screws you over at the same time in a way to keep you from straying too far from your path.  For instance you might break a leg in order to avoid losing your life on a path you normally walk.  But the times you feel screwed by life are always always better then what could have happened if you went a little further ~


~ The Ultimate goal of these various themes played out in different lives is to educate your soul about how to operate fluently in three dimensional reality.  Translation: You will eventually enter into a christ like state of being whether it be in this life or a thousand lives from now.  Christ Consciousness, Buddha Nature, Avatar State or whatever you call it.  I like to think of it as being the ultimate 3d gamer or Neo in The Matrix.  You'll get it one day, reality will become clear and you will one day have conscious control over your being in this reality as if it were conscious control in a dream.  In fact it is more accurate to state that you already have this ability and are using it all the time to live as ridiculously small a life as you possibly could and when you become aware of this FACT you will begin to understand how your attention and awareness of who and what you are literally make the difference between a Coward and a KING ~

The Dream is Real

~ What if we got together in a room somewhere and decided to build something so amazing we could literally get lost in it forever?  What if we decided to build ourselves and the world we live in perfect in every way, perfect enough to capture our minds forever.  Imagine for a second that we already built this world and the test of its perfection would be to see if we could distinguish the real world from our built world.  Just by participating, perceiving or involving ourselves in the built world we would in a sense only know it worked, it succeeded when we became lost in that world and believed entirely that it was the real world.  Like a Dream.  We are not even conscious of the moment we slip into the dream from our real lives.  The transition is seamless and there is no indication that anything has happened.  We accept that non-sensical world entirely as if it WAS our world.  Who's to say THIS world is not the nonsensical world we have become familiar with and accepted as reality.  Everything seems unquestioningly real, we even feel things like pain and pleasure.  What if we are what we call dreams and we dreamed an entire universe and this specific race to participate in, to play this meticulous game?  What if we went to deep and just couldn't remember that we were dreaming?  So this dream world began to change from a dream into a very long nightmare that now we may be waking up from.  Maybe in the beginning this place was a perfect dream like paradise with beauty everywhere in everything and people came in and out of here the way we come in and out of dreams.  Maybe we didn't even need to be born, maybe we just appeared and disappeared whenever we wanted to experience the Dream.  Maybe something happened and when it did we reversed and became lost in our own dream dreaming about reality as if IT were our creation ~

The Human Story

~ You are the Human Story whether or not you like this it is who you are and what you will always be.  You are the beginning, the end and everything in between.  In fact the Story is about you realizing in whatever capacity that you can that you are human and what that means.  It sounds simple and non threatening, even uninteresting and that is exactly as it should be.  Because if you knew all at once what it meant to be Human and who you actually are you might be a little more then freaked out cause its not a story anyone you know right now is really familiar with or can even accurately converse on beyond a certain point.  That point is about the point that brought you here to this particular post to hear this kind of a story, because its one that maybe now your a little more willing to hear.  And so let us begin in that time honoured tradition ~


~ Once Upon a Time…