The Pencil in Your Other Hand

~ Maybe you can relate to this because it used to happen to me a lot when I was younger.  I'd be working on my math homework or journal entries for school in my notebook and at some point i'd need an eraser or something with my right hand.  I'd put my pencil in my other hand and do whatever I needed to do, only when I'd finished I'd immediately look for the pencil in front of me which wasn't there.  Being lost as I had become in the groove of work I needed to find that pencil immediately and I would look under my desk, in the drawer, off the side, behind me, under me, I'd pull the desk forward angrily, shove my books aside.  I would become panicked, upset, angry, where the fuck was that little thing.  I did try to find it looking everywhere I could but eventually I gave up and ran down the kitchen to grab another one.  And when I opened the box I had to put the item I had been holding tightly in my other hand to do so.  Ah, there it is ~

~ I think life is exactly like the pencil in your other hand.  At one point you had it, used it and knew exactly what it was all about, how to get everything you wanted from it and it was so natural and pleasurable that you felt enormously confident to casually put it on hold while you explored something else.  While you did that you became lost in that something else and called THAT life.  And you began to struggle and fear and fall deeper and deeper into survival, into pain, anxiety, all the while holding on tighter and tighter to everything you forgot you already have.  And usually as the story goes one day when you've completely exhausted yourself beyond reason and recourse you fall dead and as you slip into forever the strength will leave your body and your grip will finally relax revealing everything you've always been looking for and struggling so hard to achieve.  It will roll out of your other hand right before your eyes as you fade into eternal resentment over your own fervent forgetfulness ~

~ Now, thats what generally happens in a persons life maybe the 'standard life.'  But if your reading this then you have the upper hand because believe it or not you've got everything your looking for right there in your other hand.  But like I said you've been holding onto whats important so tightly (like everyone else) that you've completely forgotten its there and like everyone else your now wandering in a murky haze trying to put things together, trying to WORK for what you already have.  Some people you'll notice have become very proficient at WORKING and they can truly i n s p i r e you with their craft.  But from another perspective they are even more lost then you are.  They have become fixers, who fix things, and continually need some kind of a fix in order to avoid what they fear most the knowledge that something is missing.  They are in held in a kind of awe by the multitude of the amnesiac.  But we are all wanderers  searching for what we already have forgotten. ~

~ All of us have gifts and inherent weapons of remembrance.  Usually this is something undeniably beautiful about you, some gift or tool or trait or talent that for whatever reason you just cannot forget.  It just keeps coming back up.  It keeps rolling out of your hand on to the floor upsetting the WORKING order of things.  But thats good because Work in a sense means things are Not Working.  If they were the word Work wouldn't even exist it would just be variations of the words fun, joy, play, good times.  Thats the way it does WORK.  You think about it most of us commit the majority of our time to 'making money' through Work.  We have enslaved ourselves inside our own forgetfulness and become terrified of things that remind us of where we actually come from.  And where do we come from?  Well I'm gonna take a guess that we come from where we end up.  W e   c o m e   f r o m   D r e a m s.  W e   a r e   D r e a m s , a living dream that became a nightmare because we have forgotten we are asleep ~

Teachers and Students

~ I think THE best teacher would be someone who loves learning so much more then they love teaching. Not to be at odds with teaching mind you, helpful, resourceful, concise and informative but forever in awe of learning. It serves as a positive foundation and model for students ~

~ In fact if you think about it its more an accurate representation of life. As in the model for everything our families. The parents never sacrifice their lives for a child, there is no need. In fact its quite the opposite the parents are so capable and involved in life they always have more then enough for themselves, and just enough to comfortably support an offspring or several. But that always only ever comes from a positive successful model for living. As long as the parent is fulfilled, happy, prosperous, in love so then is the home for any dependent or student of life. The home is always the love which does not depend on physical dwellings and material possessions but supports the creation of them. The dwellings and material possessions can then be easily manifested, appreciated or found no matter what the circumstances. For example a fire burns down your home, response: I can't wait to see our new one. When the love is strong the circumstances are irrelevant and even a welcome change of pace or adventure. Another experiential method to help reinforce and understand the many different angels that love functions in three dimensions ~

~ They will tell you it doesn't exist, there's no such thing, give up, get serious, grow up, fall in line, just do what your told, don't be different, give it up, but that is exactly what you need to hear in order to have always the option of turning back, of having some place to go other then where your going, of knowing that the correct decision is never one that is forced but is always, always your choice ~

~ And that way everything that comes from your choice is exclusively yours one way or another.  Basing this in the last concept of teacher student and child parent understanding.  There would never be a need to push anyone to do anything, because everyone will SEE with their own eyes how attractive correct living is and want to make their own version of it.  In this way education will continually be fresh and organic and moving changing with the times and adapting to new possibilities and avenues of expansion to grow, not shrink into an always better then the last one moving organism.  Education that is alive, organic and with the capability of learning from itself, from within itself.  No rulers only participants.  Education being the authority and not localized in an individual or ruling elite.  Likewise for families there would never be a need to discipline the child because not living correctly would be enough of a punishment or rather incentive to move back in line for a better path.  But it also allows for a number of very beneficial things to happen to help the entire family out.  The child might choose a path in direct contrast to the path of the adults informing them perhaps of a better path or at least useful ideas they can put into practice to strengthen and enhance their own life.  The child learns self reliance and accurate self assessment and judgement in all cases relating to their on well being and personal pace and rhythm in life.  They learn right off the bat to trust themselves and are given exactly enough space to develop their own way of being and practice that indefinitely for the rest of their lives.  The child also develops their own sense of self-respect as soon as they can be aware of it and the respect the parents have for themselves serves to reinforce and compliment it in their own unique process of growth and exploration.  Life is about exploration, enjoyment and discovery and living in this way helps both parents and children to learn from one another organically and independently requiring neither party to sacrifice their own inherent individuality for the other, but provides an environment where learning and living can continue in both lives organically and independently forever.  Not only that but each persons unique expression being inherently self-sufficient is strong enough to not only support itself but inform, enhance and accelerate the unique expression of all other individuals.  Both parties can remain individual expressions and still use idea's unique to the others in enhance their own self-expression and round it out more, harmonize it more.  It's the same idea behind hybridization to enhance the organic structure of two separate species.  In this this way their is literally no such thing as a useless person or wasted life.  Every single single sovereign entity is an invaluable piece of human equation and at its rudimentary element deserves respect and appreciation because physically speaking that is what it is.  Even scientifically speaking any life form is an incredible awe inspiring masterpiece ~


~ When you look at the world and see someone who can speak a different language, or knows how perform an intricate skill like a master sculptor or even just someone who knows how to skateboard, its impressive, it makes you want to model it in your own life, learn how to do it.  We all have this natural desire to integrate new knowledge, skills and abilities into our being.  In this way it becomes clear there really is no need to dominate, only facilitate the students natural curiosity and desire to learn.  So then why is education structured to enforce learning as if we weren't naturally inquisitive and interested?  Why are our natural selves treated like a dangerous thing that needs to be changed? or domesticated? or dominated?  Why? Why? Why?  In my opinion this speaks volumes about our mentality and method for living.  Although we may not recognize it immediately, we are like some darkened backwards civilization of very very very dark minded heavy automatons moving like lifeless machines moving in an atrocious self-annilating anti life capacity.  What the fuck.  Most people in the "civilized word" are not really alive and anyone who is is seen as a dangerous threat to the system, which they are because the system is inherently corrupt and self-annhilating.  Maybe lives were actually meant to go on for a thousand years but because of the way we live our lives are consequently shortened to a paltry 75 maybe 80.  Everyone speaks about it that deadened feeling going through monotonous cycles and routines.  Filing out papers, signing this and that, picking up this picking up that, doing this doing that.  Life is so much of lifeless expression of endless seemingly meaningless monotonous routines to avoid death or dying.  Its so shit on so many levels but the fear of death is definitely something that keeps us running the gauntlet again and again and again and again until eventually the endless self-depricating cycles run us down in a mangled heap of tightened limbs and broken dreams.  The quality of life, fuck even the purpose of life is awful.  There's no nothing in here worth doing cause its so shit everywhere.  Even at the highest levels its still upsetting.  And the low levels are endless and often inspiring.  Its like we're in a meat grinder slowly being ground into pulp and asked and encouraged to smile while its happening because it might upset others who are a little less certain of their position in the grind ~


~ You know reading this, I see I'm just as frightened as everyone else and more then that lost in my own pain.  I'm angry yes, but simultaneously terrified of life.  I never made the decisions I'm angry at others for not making.  I never did the right thing.  I consistently did the wrong thing over and over and over and over again and blamed everyone and everything for the choices I myself chose to make.  I've blamed everyone and everything and found new and more intricate ways of fighting and avoiding what I fear.  I've done it so much I'm actually surprised I didn't just fall off the edge.  I'm really good at being bad and everyone has ever taken care of me and supported my own self-destruction.  I've paid with everything that I have.  I have brought myself into my own pits of despair and denial like the mad man in shutter island.  I'm now sitting at the edge of the steps committed to my own self-destruction, committed to my own madness.  A wreck a disaster, no better and in fact worse then everyone I have ever endlessly fought in anyone of these insipid rants.  A lot of hate, a lot of anger, a lot of pain A LOT of PAIN.  I've spent so much time fighting everyone and everything endlessly, endlessly just fighting, advocating my own superior standards over that of everyone else.  But secretly frightened out of my mind, scared shitless underneath it all.  To willing to fight, in utter defiance of anything to do with actual love, peace or understanding.  I just talked about thousand year lives but in all seriousness I've probably ground my life down from the 75 mark to about 50 or 45 because of my pain, because of my fear because of my hatred and rage.  Pure rage.  Frightening rage like that of a caged lion.  I think the point of it was that all the rage actually fits exactly into my fear.  It's not a mistake or an aberration or some crazy thing.  That's its purpose.  And to look at it that way ironically enough all the authority figures I have ever antagonized and fought my entire life are now suddenly my cohorts and colleagues ~ 

"…to punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself…"
~ Albert Einstein

Heroes and Villains

~ Like even being a hero isn't really being a hero.  It's like everything about the way I've seen the world unquestionably my entire life is completely backwards and inside out or outside in.  Like there are no heroes which is why heroes never think their heroes and everyone thinks thats so modest.  And villains aren't really villains which is why they are often family and friends with heroes.  In fact Heroes could be validly be seen as the true villains but since they represent the popular belief and opinions the truth is considered heresy and fought as if IT were a villain.  That being said it would if true reveal a great deal of upsetting realities about who we all think we are and what actually is good and evil.  In a sense our most powerful champions of humanity by our current belief systems and structures of accepted personality and thought would by our own definitions classified as evil.  To the Christians a meeting with Jesus (Yeshua) would snap their minds and half and cause a cataclysmic shut down of the religious faith or ironically reproduce an updated version of the crucifixion.  And since America sets the tone for much of the world it would be a global upheaval.  What is going on?  Who are we really?  What can we not remember?  And do we really want to?  I'm reminded of the Bourne movies because I feel it is so poetically illustrated the true meaning of being human.  We are the killers waking up good recognizing our awful selves and searching to make amends, to cleanse ourselves, to effect a change in ourselves, in others and everything else.  We are humanity, a mess, a criminal, a vulgar warped and depraved species because that is what we are.  We are humanity waking up and seeing the nightmare we have been dreaming real for far too long.  I ask myself why? all the time, How did this happen to us?  Why did we choose this?  Was it just for fun?  Was it an experiment?  Was it some cataclysm that devastated us into this way of being?  What happened to us?  I think there is an answer but I think like everything else in life it will only come to us when we no longer need it anymore.  Just like anything only when we no longer need it ~

~ If you think about it our lives are completely reversed and the way we live is one step precisely removed from what we we say we are living.  We fight all the help, attack all the love and worship our own destruction and depravity.  It does not look like this when you look around but you have been trained as a killer, with killer instincts.  What becomes threatening in a world like that is true peace.  It's frightening and upsetting to the way of life that we all see as normal and fight about everyday.  But I proposition the idea that if we are fighting at all there really is no peace or at the very least so little of it.  Put this into context of things like medicine, education, our own longevity and the items of the nightly news and it is us at every… level that have become enemies to ourselves and we have taken the rest of the world with us.  Even at the very highest levels the best, most informed, most intelligent lives are still at war within, and all within continually becomes without.  We are a living insanity so proficiently backwards we have created every possible expression of living within it.  We are the living dead who fight and fear the living.  We are a shipwrecked species, a plane crashed mess.  We are fighting about what is right in a world where everything is wrong and killing every positive thought and life expression because it feels to weird, too strange to be right, cleaning, fixing endlessly because well "thats just the way things are."  But i'm starting to think that actually what we call real is actually some kind of a dream and what we call dreams are actually whats real ~

~ Thinking about this the other day I wondered if what they say is actually real that when we dream that's actually where we go when we die and in fact where all life comes from into this reality.  Think about that for a second, because maybe when imagining things your actually there, right there.  Everything that  seems so impenetrably mysterious is so indistinguishably a part of your everyday life that in no way could you even recognize life without it ~

~ You all think your not heroes but when you finally realize where you ACTUALLY are and WHAT is actually going on, your whole life will magically unfold as the truly miracle tale it has always been ~

A §ummer Tale

Diary of a Liar

~ Ok, this is going to be my attempt to tell the truth very honestly about some things I've completely hidden from everyone my entire life.  So this should be pretty interesting to anyone who might come across this.  Pretty fun.  And since I've lied A LOT in my life on virtually every subject imaginable then I'll have a lot to write about ~

~ Ok, so lemme start with the very first lie I can remember telling... I was in Grade one at elementary school and there was this cute asian girl in my class that I had become obsessed with.  I mean I was only in grade one but I just couldn't stop staring at her.  Just looking at her was upsetting me and so I began upsetting her as much as possible as often as I could, whenever she was around me.  It was like my mind out loud, I bugged and bugged and bugged her as much as I could and when I came home at night I would talk with my mom and I couldn't stand what I was doing and my mom knew something was up so I lied and told her that this girl was bugging me in class.  And for an entire week I perpetrated the lie until finally my mom decided to take action and brought me into speak with my teacher about the situation.  I was like some scared shitless criminal dancing around in the corner trying to avoid the inevitable moment this situation had escalated to when my mom, furious at the abuse and mistreatment her son, god's little helper was receiving from this little bitch in his class.  "Oh, Really? because actually I received a complaint from this little girls mother the other day about your son."  Her complaint was real, mine was not, and my mom confident in the altruistic nature of her son fell hard when I sheepishly revealed I was lying.  What a hit to her pride and trust in me.  But as the story goes I always run right to the edge of a cliff, look over and then come running back.  I get into such serious trouble, such terrible problems in my life and have only barely managed to extricate myself from ~

~ Once when I was in beavers at the mall for my brothers Beaver car race I saw a little asian boy playing a game with the escalator beside us.  He would hold on to the moving hand rail from the ground and let it pull him up a foot before letting go.  Upon seeing this incredible game I decided to play as well and grinningly snuck over staying really quiet while he finished playing and was called away by his dad.  I looked around to make sure all the adults were looking in the other direction at the races while I put both my hands on the bar and let it pull me up with the force only a full force machine could deliver.  Before I knew it I was uncomfortably too high in the air to let go and screamed in terror for my dad to HELP!  Three grown men caught me just in time before I got to high.  It seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life, the danger just seems far too attractive to me.  This played into the next time I remember lying to one of my close friends after telling me he had a yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do or something.  Maybe I just didn't believe him for some reason and thought it was a game or something, because I almost immediately said I was at a Black Belt level and could prove it.  See my parents just bought me a Karate Kid Pyjama set which to me was as good as the real deal.  I kicked up a storm at home and really believed I was a master on some level.  Completely confident my friend took me to his house where he left me downstairs looking for his fake yellow belt somewhere to show me, which for sure he wouldn't find and I would take him back to my house and put on the FULL uniform.  "Found it."  and he brought down the most amazing yellow belt I had ever seen.  Until that time I'd never even seen what one actually looked like, once again I felt that familiar UH OH feeling as I realized I was up next and we walked over to my house so I could show him my black belt.  I left him downstairs and quickly tried to figure something out while pretending to dig around my closet looking for it.  "I can't find it, I think my mom washed it or something."  and whew got off the hook.  Needless to say it was pretty difficult keeping friends on account of being such a terrible liar and not being able to really ever be honest with myself or anyone else.  I don't know why but I seem to have come into life with a really big attitude or belief in myself or something, some idea that I was really great and just lied about everything to everyone all the time to cover up not being what I felt I really was.  Always upset and disappointed with the mediocrity of everything, everywhere and everyone.  Operating as if it was a completely different world then the one we all live in and constantly surprised by how bad things actually are everywhere.  Appalled really.  Like I assume a heightened level of things that doesn't exist and it seems like I'm completely surprised to find out the way things are and how people are, its really appalling and I think I bounce between self-agrandizing and self-depricating myself.  Honestly, even with all the help and support, even magical support and luck I've had everything still turned out to be an amazing nightmare on every level imaginable ~

~ I only learned to find the truth by lying so well, so deep for so long.  Its kind of a slingshot effect into an understanding of things so incredible you cannot even believe they are true.  But first lets go to another time, grade 5 just after my first major family trip to Florida.  When I came back for some reason I  thought a major family trip wasn't good enough so I invented a lie about meeting a cute blonde girl named Suzy.  Looking back she was the archetypal good looking blonde girl that I would have seen on TV or come to believe was the hottie of my dreams.  So of course she was the one I met on my trip and oh did I ever lie about this.  My friends seemed to enjoy it and eventually the lie got so big and extensive I just couldn't bring myself to tell them I'd lied to them.  I made up little details like I was clumsy and took flips all the time and I got into a fight over her even though during the actual trip I never left my parents side nor would I ever dare do such a thing.  My friends wanted to know about it and I kept telling them until one day and I don't remember why I told them the truth.  They were furious, turned there back on me for the rest of the year.  They even formed this I hate you club with little red construction paper booklets, or wallets or something.  I'm not sure exactly what they were for but man that was incredibly uncomfortable ~