◊ • †He ØutS¡De® • ◊

~ I seem to be the master of screwing myself out of every opportunity I have come to me.  Like its an art form, a true miracle art form I've been proficient at my whole life.  I'll even get ridiculous luck and just turn it away, mess it up, blow it or any number of brilliant vehicles to keep myself exactly where I am, exactly where I've always been.  Like I like it there so much, I don't want it any other way at all.  And in retrospect that seems exactly right ~

~ I spent most of my life on the outside, just wandering aimless, lost.  I'd be in the woods because yes I did like it, but also because I didn't ever really have a core group of friends.  I just had pick up friends where ever I went.  People I'd get to know or spend time with.  People who would tolerate me, or feel bad for me and offer me friendship.  But lets face it I was a person like a fowl smelling decay who no one really wanted to spend time with.  Or if they did eventually they'd get wise and figure me out and make a James Bond exit out of there.  Its all right I can't say I'd blame em.  I'd probably do the same thing if I was in there position ~

~ But now I'm kinda glad all that happened because now I'm free, I'm not like all of them or any of you.  I am my own person.  People don't like me but when was that ever news?  I don't care.  And because I don't depend on your approval (because I never had it to begin with) I see the world through my own eyes.  And more so I see all of you the way you really are, not politely or nice because you weren't exactly nice to me were you?  I can make exceptions here and there on a case by case basis, but feel bad about who I've become? Why? for What? for Who? you?  I don't think so.  I'll even lie about doing that right to your face just so I can keep doing what I've always done, be on my own side.  You don't like it well that really is your problem isn't it ~

~ I owe no one.  I am obligated to no one or nothing.  I am my own man.  How many of you can honestly say that?  By your own free will all of you helped me become who I now am.  I truly could not have done it without you.  I guess they're right no body does it alone.  I have been training my whole life or better put my whole life has been my training for where I am now and none of it was in vain or by accident.  Only the revelatory information I needed to understand what I am going to do next ~

~ Every time I lose something in my life I see another piece of the bigger picture.  It seems that no matter what happens its a win win situation and that I will succeed through any number of methods or means eventually and the only hard work there actually is is in avoiding the inevitable consequence of this life the one I have chosen ~

~ There is always enough, remember that, because if there wasn't it would already be over wouldn't it ~

~ • ◊ wE A®e hE®e ◊ • ~

~ If you look at my life and wonder how I came to know the things I do you will create all kinds of stories.  I will enjoy them so and let you tell them.  I will sit avidly and listen to the utter fantasies that you have concocted about me.  You will not believe it but I am just a man like you.  But more so you will not understand how much it took me to be just… a man ~

~ I will listen to the tales and smile like the child I truly am for you do not understand.  You will reach and strain for the answers that are right before you but you do not believe they are and so you can no longer see the miracles that surround.  Like us, they are everywhere and await to eagerly to play ~

~ You will not understand how I have been able to do all the things I do nor the unequivocal simplicity and dare I say stupidity of this silly man.  My wife will laugh with uncontrollable glee just to look upon me and see her own silly reflection staring back smiling.  She see's me as I am, just a man, but one who has become something of a story or legend in these parts.  Part of the fabric of things we shall never speak of.  Because how could we, we do not understand and so there is nothing to say is there? ~

~ But they tell the story anyways, those who consider themselves brave enough to cross the lines we all draw before us.  Those who wish a taste of the forbidden.  Those who consider themselves the impossible things we are and have always been.  We are stories we are and always have been.  You will remember us when you have lost touch with your own name.  For you cannot forget the impossible mystery we present in your mind and will contemplate it in utter agony until long past your last days.  You will hear us in endless laughter at your quest to find us, to know our name.  We will taunt you with the secret understanding of all that you endlessly pursue and all you were so sure you knew ~

~ But more then this we will be waiting for you.  We will wait as we do for the impossible promise of something unexpectedly new.  We live in our own forever side by side with you.  We are the impossible truth you can only believe as fantastic lies or tales at best and oh yes we are definitely that.  We have earned our right to be here and so we shall be for times to come.  You will know if you have met us by the sweetness in your thoughts and the secret feelings you now treasure in your heart.  We move in utter grace and simplicity. We are your dreams because how could you believe we were true?  You wouldn't even know how to describe us or what to say.  But in time, a long time you might just realize we left you with a little something quite incredible you'd never even believe was true.  It'll be there always and forever just when you need it to help you ~

What I Am Afraid To Tell Myself

~ This fear I was going to find something terrible down there is something i push deep and far back into the recesses of my mind.  I feel the need to talk about this but am very careful not to ever reveal anything too damaging about myself or what I've done.  Part of me has always just decided to give up looking, hide and be thankful however bad it gets that its not worse then it already is because you deserve far worse then this and you know it.  If you were ever honest about who you are to anyone they would send you to the butchers and you know it.  They would crucify you with your own approval and you feel this within yourself and have your whole life which is why your afraid to actually admit anything to yourself or anyone else.  Which is why you spend your life living in lies which sometimes you cant even remember.  Hiding, lying, cheating, stealing, grabbing, perverting, hurting, again and again and again and again.  Its who you are your nature.  Its the one thing you know you ultimately deserve and so you give it to yourself again and again and again and again.  Its the cycle you conceived and brought upon yourself ~

~ When I was younger I was told you shouldn't lie because then you have to keep the lie going with another lie and another lie until eventually it no longer makes any kind of sense to anyone anymore and no one really understands whats going on.  This unfortunately is a perfect description of my life as it now stands.  I've been lying so long now about so many things "I" can't even remember what the truth is.  I'm so totally lost and with no one around anymore who could even tell me where it all began.  I've been lying since I can remember mostly I think because I have been ashamed of who I am and where my family came from.  I feel like its something awful that needs to be lied about and so I've always concocted stories to make myself appear the way I think I should be.  I also steal to make up what I think I should by rights have and have always consistently tried to live at a level above where I am or even understand.  Just embarrassed to be alive really... at least as I am.  And I think I'm a girl really I always act and think in the feminine and have always felt really more in tune with femininity then masculinity which I hate and despise like its some kind of illness or something.  I blame men for everything I call them the reason for why the world is in the state its in and its like some disgusting thing I can't get off myself and many people in my life feel the same way about me.  Complimenting my insidious hatred of myself.  I have never been "Manly" or "A Man" in any sense of the word, in fact I'm very girly at heart and in many many different ways.  I know nothing about cars, sports or whatever other ostensibly masculine things I'm supposed to know about.  I like fashion and romance movies, and want sex all the time {well that might be a manly thing} I like art and am soft hearted and not really scary as a man should be.  In fact I'm more scared of women then me.  I act very much like a woman and most normal guys don't understand me the same way they don't understand most normal women.  Most normal guys immediately think I'm gay because of the girly way in which I conduct myself and my adoration of feminine ideas and ideals ~

~ If I was to guess I'd say I was at my peak a female and many ways just can't really grasp how to be anything but in this life.  I behave in my inherently strong feminine way in this life and wherever I do I become more and more grounded into my masculinity or masculine energies.  My body is completely out of whack but this is the thing I don't understand its more in favour of the masculine side, being the right side of the body left brain.  But if I am so feminine shouldn't it be the left side more predominant?  Or maybe thats the point my life is designed to balance out my imbalance within.  So the more feminine I behave the more masculine the energies are in balance of me or rather in order to keep me in balance of who I am.  But the more I behave masculine it has the reverse effect and releases the more feminine sides of myself.  Power in Paradox.  Seems like a backward thing to get the hang of but entirely reflective of the world we are in.  So if I feel like a little girl in a mans body I need to grow up into an older man in a mans body which will release the more feminine energies within to balance out the overwhelming masculinity I have become by behaving feminine ~

~ The masculine energies are more of the grounding energies of the physical world and in the most severe form take on the experience of failures and losses, accidents and injuries in order to keep you undeniably present in the physical.  But what makes a man is not his masculinity as everyone thinks but his deep expression of femininity.  The only thing missing from what is most obviously a man.  But in that act of vulnerability is seen the true essence of what everyone can instantly recognize as a man.  Within it is an act of pure courage and centeredness without is the harmonizing balance of his endlessly hardwired manliness.  Or something like that ~

~ Something always bugged me about when people told me to "Man it Up" or "Be a Man," like I felt insulted in a particular way for a particular reason.  I think because I had discarded my manliness out of hate for it or disgust in it and then felt a cold snap like I had just been slapped across the face with my own stupidity.  As if throwing away something I actually needed, like the world telling me I was wrong in my disgust or distaste with myself.  A common thing in many places in my life.  Like I had it right there but just didn't believe it enough to use it where it needed to be used.  It's like life is saying use this here at this time in this way here it is plain and simple so you cant mess it up very easy to understand in exactly the way I would understand it and I say "no, it wont work" and I go sideways and fall into a serious catastrophe of sorts or many many sorts.  Now I feel like I'm lying about everything in my life and just acting like a little girl when I've done quite manly things I never want to talk about or admit I've done.  I pretend to be one person while flat out lying that I am actually someone else entirely.  I've hidden myself inside a lesser me and have gotten exactly the kind of life that comes with that on all levels.  Not entirely but close enough ~

~ It's like I didn't want to admit who I was so I ended up forcing myself into a life and lifestyle to small for myself and suffered extraordinary pain because of it.  Its like a fear of power of hurting people with it so just dismissing it entirely and letting it poison me in the process.  I swallowed it so to speak as I always do swallow all the poisons of the world in doubt of my own goodness and because of it become bad because there is no where else to go or nothing else to become.  I have in a sense by fearing my ability to hurt others become the hurter I have always feared I'd become.  A fear passed down by my father who misunderstood things in exactly the way that I did.  In fact the only thing that seems to have prevented me from completely going over the edge with this {which I willing would have believe you me} is a kind of purposely built in design flaw to my life or maybe not a design flaw but some kind of minimal safety mechanism I had no idea I had this entire time.  It still allowed me to make all the mistakes I made and experience enormous pains and ups and downs but it seems to have saved me from entirely committing to my own mistakes and misjudgements about life ~

~ Everything I chose in this life all the mistakes I made were mine, I made them by my own choosing because of a number of reasons but undeniably they were mine and its like the purpose of this life was just to show myself the inevitable consequence of how I was choosing to be.  Because as of right now I am like 98% percent still headed in the wrong direction and am pissed I cant get there like yesterday.  And probably at best 2% percent in the right direction which is what keeps me from completely obliterating myself in self-destruction.  I don't believe I did any of it myself, like I had all kinds of help, even design in my life right down to the body type and parents and everything and even with all the encouragement to move into a positive direction I am still fighting hard core for my own annihilation.  What a case am I ~

~ I feel like I've been given an obvious part to play and theres no way around it but into utter pain and annihilation {which I don't want}.  But The part seems so gay like I'll learn some damn lesson and save the day hurray.  So gay.  Like I'm just a pawn, like an actor, so predictable in every way in every way, its obvious the only tricks I got up my sleeve are so old my life already knows them before I can even come up with them.  So what the fuck, this is dumb, this is bullshit.  I'm not playing.  This is just a part in a movie, so dumb.  It's like when you watch a movie and your like "ohh this is the settup and ahh I saw that coming and this and whatever."  I think god is a BAD WRITER and SO VERY CLICHE.  I've probably even seen this story before and know whats going to happen next.  But I guess its still important to play out this fucking retardation of a story to its utterly predictable conclusion ~

tHe De∆∂ ßo∂y ¡N tHe WoO∂s

~ I spent a lot of my life wandering around life in the darkness doing dark deeds getting more and more lost highly negative and depressed.  Upset and angry.  Viciously angry at life in general.  I blamed everyone and everything and felt constantly that I was in a dark pit of hellish despair writhing and wriggling for my life, living a kind of backwards insane hell of a life.  And I just got used to it.  I stopped caring and just started hating and attacking, stealing concealing lying.  My god the kind of lies I've told ~


~ Recently I had a very warped experience where I became convinced I was some kind of a god with unearthly abilities I even went through a period where I was completely convinced I was christ incarnate and everything had everything to do with me in every way on all levels.  Needless to say I think maybe I overstepped my better judgments about things and now can stand back and view myself more honestly and upsettingly as I really am ~


~ I am a coward.  I am a liar.  I cheat, I steal and dance around the most simplistic and obvious path of how to do things in life.  The simplest way is usually the correct one to take.  But I didn't take it in fact I've always looked for the longest and most utterly complicated way of avoiding the correct path because I fear how it will reveal me for who and what I am.  I am a bastard, a no good lying son of a bitch.  What can I say? I wish it wasn't true.  In fact I've wished so hard I've literally created whole lies to convince myself that I'm not who I know I actually am.  I fear death for so many many reasons but mostly because I'm afraid of the worst ~


~ There has been many times in my life where I've come right up to an amazing opportunity to help other people out by telling the truth.  But I always perceived that it would show everyone how I've been lying to them my entire life.  So I ran from it allowed the lie to continue and hurt the people I could have saved or helped.  I have always always covered my own ass at the expense of everyone else around me.  Why?  Its not complicated I just didn't want to face the consequences of my own lies.  I'd have to say this probably the crux of the entire situation we are all in.  I don't want to tell the truth for fear it will get me killed.  In fact because I've chosen the lie to live everyone has become convinced that that is who I am and its not its just the lie I've been living my entire life.  Sometimes I perceived I could help people with the truth but again and again and again I chose me over them.  Why?  Because I could.  And now the lie has gotten so incredibly out of control I can't even imagine telling the truth anymore without having some kind of a personal Armageddon directed at me.  It would be like asking the world to deliver me into a kind of terrorizing hell which is why I've put up with everything I've put up with in my life.  Because no matter how bad it could have possibly been or ever got it was far better then what would have happened if I told the truth ~


~ There are so many many people out there walking around with no idea of what I've done.  Of who I am and I am terrified to come forward with it.  I fear with my whole life what would happen to me if I did.  I'll live as a fugitive or as a bum or whatever and just lie till I die.  But telling the truth to people is like asking for my own death.  People would be so upset with me.  Beyond upset.  I am sure I would be killed or worse so I don't even tell myself what it is I'm lying about.  I know its something really big but I can't even remember what it is.  I just remember that when I perceive it I become so frightened that I immediately bury it deep within me for fear that anyone will see it or know it or whatever.  I've been having this fear for years now as if its just going to come out of me anyways.  Like I wont be able to stop it and I'm so scared about when thats going to happen.  Like I did something really bad a long time ago and it sent me on this journey where everything has been a terrible lie a big mess and I've just been utterly warped by it ~


~ When I perceive my third eye opening I feel that fear like my mind is going to slip and I'll reveal everything because I secretly want to so badly.  I just want this awfulness to be over.  Its like a war I started a long time ago because of a lie or some falsehood I created.  And now god is coming to get me and make me fess up and die an utterly terrible death.  Not a heroes death but a villains death.  Like I'm not supposed to be here, like I feel guilty for even being alive for some reason…


…so this is what I'm going to do: I'm going to hold this conversation with myself until I can perceive what the big thing I'm lying about is and then try to understand it and why I'm so afraid of it.  Its always like this big thing in the back of my mind like some big scary thing buried in the woods I have to go dig up like a dead body or something.  So lets go dig it up ~