~ I spent a lot of my life wandering around life in the darkness doing dark deeds getting more and more lost highly negative and depressed. Upset and angry. Viciously angry at life in general. I blamed everyone and everything and felt constantly that I was in a dark pit of hellish despair writhing and wriggling for my life, living a kind of backwards insane hell of a life. And I just got used to it. I stopped caring and just started hating and attacking, stealing concealing lying. My god the kind of lies I've told ~
~ Recently I had a very warped experience where I became convinced I was some kind of a god with unearthly abilities I even went through a period where I was completely convinced I was christ incarnate and everything had everything to do with me in every way on all levels. Needless to say I think maybe I overstepped my better judgments about things and now can stand back and view myself more honestly and upsettingly as I really am ~
~ I am a coward. I am a liar. I cheat, I steal and dance around the most simplistic and obvious path of how to do things in life. The simplest way is usually the correct one to take. But I didn't take it in fact I've always looked for the longest and most utterly complicated way of avoiding the correct path because I fear how it will reveal me for who and what I am. I am a bastard, a no good lying son of a bitch. What can I say? I wish it wasn't true. In fact I've wished so hard I've literally created whole lies to convince myself that I'm not who I know I actually am. I fear death for so many many reasons but mostly because I'm afraid of the worst ~
~ There has been many times in my life where I've come right up to an amazing opportunity to help other people out by telling the truth. But I always perceived that it would show everyone how I've been lying to them my entire life. So I ran from it allowed the lie to continue and hurt the people I could have saved or helped. I have always always covered my own ass at the expense of everyone else around me. Why? Its not complicated I just didn't want to face the consequences of my own lies. I'd have to say this probably the crux of the entire situation we are all in. I don't want to tell the truth for fear it will get me killed. In fact because I've chosen the lie to live everyone has become convinced that that is who I am and its not its just the lie I've been living my entire life. Sometimes I perceived I could help people with the truth but again and again and again I chose me over them. Why? Because I could. And now the lie has gotten so incredibly out of control I can't even imagine telling the truth anymore without having some kind of a personal Armageddon directed at me. It would be like asking the world to deliver me into a kind of terrorizing hell which is why I've put up with everything I've put up with in my life. Because no matter how bad it could have possibly been or ever got it was far better then what would have happened if I told the truth ~
~ There are so many many people out there walking around with no idea of what I've done. Of who I am and I am terrified to come forward with it. I fear with my whole life what would happen to me if I did. I'll live as a fugitive or as a bum or whatever and just lie till I die. But telling the truth to people is like asking for my own death. People would be so upset with me. Beyond upset. I am sure I would be killed or worse so I don't even tell myself what it is I'm lying about. I know its something really big but I can't even remember what it is. I just remember that when I perceive it I become so frightened that I immediately bury it deep within me for fear that anyone will see it or know it or whatever. I've been having this fear for years now as if its just going to come out of me anyways. Like I wont be able to stop it and I'm so scared about when thats going to happen. Like I did something really bad a long time ago and it sent me on this journey where everything has been a terrible lie a big mess and I've just been utterly warped by it ~
~ When I perceive my third eye opening I feel that fear like my mind is going to slip and I'll reveal everything because I secretly want to so badly. I just want this awfulness to be over. Its like a war I started a long time ago because of a lie or some falsehood I created. And now god is coming to get me and make me fess up and die an utterly terrible death. Not a heroes death but a villains death. Like I'm not supposed to be here, like I feel guilty for even being alive for some reason…
…so this is what I'm going to do: I'm going to hold this conversation with myself until I can perceive what the big thing I'm lying about is and then try to understand it and why I'm so afraid of it. Its always like this big thing in the back of my mind like some big scary thing buried in the woods I have to go dig up like a dead body or something. So lets go dig it up ~
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