~ This fear I was going to find something terrible down there is something i push deep and far back into the recesses of my mind. I feel the need to talk about this but am very careful not to ever reveal anything too damaging about myself or what I've done. Part of me has always just decided to give up looking, hide and be thankful however bad it gets that its not worse then it already is because you deserve far worse then this and you know it. If you were ever honest about who you are to anyone they would send you to the butchers and you know it. They would crucify you with your own approval and you feel this within yourself and have your whole life which is why your afraid to actually admit anything to yourself or anyone else. Which is why you spend your life living in lies which sometimes you cant even remember. Hiding, lying, cheating, stealing, grabbing, perverting, hurting, again and again and again and again. Its who you are your nature. Its the one thing you know you ultimately deserve and so you give it to yourself again and again and again and again. Its the cycle you conceived and brought upon yourself ~
~ When I was younger I was told you shouldn't lie because then you have to keep the lie going with another lie and another lie until eventually it no longer makes any kind of sense to anyone anymore and no one really understands whats going on. This unfortunately is a perfect description of my life as it now stands. I've been lying so long now about so many things "I" can't even remember what the truth is. I'm so totally lost and with no one around anymore who could even tell me where it all began. I've been lying since I can remember mostly I think because I have been ashamed of who I am and where my family came from. I feel like its something awful that needs to be lied about and so I've always concocted stories to make myself appear the way I think I should be. I also steal to make up what I think I should by rights have and have always consistently tried to live at a level above where I am or even understand. Just embarrassed to be alive really... at least as I am. And I think I'm a girl really I always act and think in the feminine and have always felt really more in tune with femininity then masculinity which I hate and despise like its some kind of illness or something. I blame men for everything I call them the reason for why the world is in the state its in and its like some disgusting thing I can't get off myself and many people in my life feel the same way about me. Complimenting my insidious hatred of myself. I have never been "Manly" or "A Man" in any sense of the word, in fact I'm very girly at heart and in many many different ways. I know nothing about cars, sports or whatever other ostensibly masculine things I'm supposed to know about. I like fashion and romance movies, and want sex all the time {well that might be a manly thing} I like art and am soft hearted and not really scary as a man should be. In fact I'm more scared of women then me. I act very much like a woman and most normal guys don't understand me the same way they don't understand most normal women. Most normal guys immediately think I'm gay because of the girly way in which I conduct myself and my adoration of feminine ideas and ideals ~
~ If I was to guess I'd say I was at my peak a female and many ways just can't really grasp how to be anything but in this life. I behave in my inherently strong feminine way in this life and wherever I do I become more and more grounded into my masculinity or masculine energies. My body is completely out of whack but this is the thing I don't understand its more in favour of the masculine side, being the right side of the body left brain. But if I am so feminine shouldn't it be the left side more predominant? Or maybe thats the point my life is designed to balance out my imbalance within. So the more feminine I behave the more masculine the energies are in balance of me or rather in order to keep me in balance of who I am. But the more I behave masculine it has the reverse effect and releases the more feminine sides of myself. Power in Paradox. Seems like a backward thing to get the hang of but entirely reflective of the world we are in. So if I feel like a little girl in a mans body I need to grow up into an older man in a mans body which will release the more feminine energies within to balance out the overwhelming masculinity I have become by behaving feminine ~
~ The masculine energies are more of the grounding energies of the physical world and in the most severe form take on the experience of failures and losses, accidents and injuries in order to keep you undeniably present in the physical. But what makes a man is not his masculinity as everyone thinks but his deep expression of femininity. The only thing missing from what is most obviously a man. But in that act of vulnerability is seen the true essence of what everyone can instantly recognize as a man. Within it is an act of pure courage and centeredness without is the harmonizing balance of his endlessly hardwired manliness. Or something like that ~
~ Something always bugged me about when people told me to "Man it Up" or "Be a Man," like I felt insulted in a particular way for a particular reason. I think because I had discarded my manliness out of hate for it or disgust in it and then felt a cold snap like I had just been slapped across the face with my own stupidity. As if throwing away something I actually needed, like the world telling me I was wrong in my disgust or distaste with myself. A common thing in many places in my life. Like I had it right there but just didn't believe it enough to use it where it needed to be used. It's like life is saying use this here at this time in this way here it is plain and simple so you cant mess it up very easy to understand in exactly the way I would understand it and I say "no, it wont work" and I go sideways and fall into a serious catastrophe of sorts or many many sorts. Now I feel like I'm lying about everything in my life and just acting like a little girl when I've done quite manly things I never want to talk about or admit I've done. I pretend to be one person while flat out lying that I am actually someone else entirely. I've hidden myself inside a lesser me and have gotten exactly the kind of life that comes with that on all levels. Not entirely but close enough ~
~ It's like I didn't want to admit who I was so I ended up forcing myself into a life and lifestyle to small for myself and suffered extraordinary pain because of it. Its like a fear of power of hurting people with it so just dismissing it entirely and letting it poison me in the process. I swallowed it so to speak as I always do swallow all the poisons of the world in doubt of my own goodness and because of it become bad because there is no where else to go or nothing else to become. I have in a sense by fearing my ability to hurt others become the hurter I have always feared I'd become. A fear passed down by my father who misunderstood things in exactly the way that I did. In fact the only thing that seems to have prevented me from completely going over the edge with this {which I willing would have believe you me} is a kind of purposely built in design flaw to my life or maybe not a design flaw but some kind of minimal safety mechanism I had no idea I had this entire time. It still allowed me to make all the mistakes I made and experience enormous pains and ups and downs but it seems to have saved me from entirely committing to my own mistakes and misjudgements about life ~
~ Everything I chose in this life all the mistakes I made were mine, I made them by my own choosing because of a number of reasons but undeniably they were mine and its like the purpose of this life was just to show myself the inevitable consequence of how I was choosing to be. Because as of right now I am like 98% percent still headed in the wrong direction and am pissed I cant get there like yesterday. And probably at best 2% percent in the right direction which is what keeps me from completely obliterating myself in self-destruction. I don't believe I did any of it myself, like I had all kinds of help, even design in my life right down to the body type and parents and everything and even with all the encouragement to move into a positive direction I am still fighting hard core for my own annihilation. What a case am I ~
~ I feel like I've been given an obvious part to play and theres no way around it but into utter pain and annihilation {which I don't want}. But The part seems so gay like I'll learn some damn lesson and save the day hurray. So gay. Like I'm just a pawn, like an actor, so predictable in every way in every way, its obvious the only tricks I got up my sleeve are so old my life already knows them before I can even come up with them. So what the fuck, this is dumb, this is bullshit. I'm not playing. This is just a part in a movie, so dumb. It's like when you watch a movie and your like "ohh this is the settup and ahh I saw that coming and this and whatever." I think god is a BAD WRITER and SO VERY CLICHE. I've probably even seen this story before and know whats going to happen next. But I guess its still important to play out this fucking retardation of a story to its utterly predictable conclusion ~
No comments:
Post a Comment